December 13th: Divorce and Remarriage

This week we talked about Divorce and Remarriage. We learned about about the six stages of divorce. The first stage is emotional divorce. This refers to a loss of respect, commitment, trust, and affection. The second stage is legal divorce. This refers to when the court brings marriage to an end. The third stage is economic divorce. This refers to the division of property among the parents. The fourth stage is co-parental. This refers to the continued co-parent decisions about the child's life. The fifth stage is community divorce. This refers to rifts in community because friends have had to choose to be on the side of one parent or the other. The sixth stage is psychic. This refers to accepting the separation and regaining a sense of being an individual rather than being a couple.

 Right now a marriage contract is the easiest contract to get out of. Before the No Fault Divorce Act you had to prove that there was neglect/abuse, substance abuse, or adultery. When marital satisfaction is low many people feel like the only solution is divorce. However, there are many reasons not to get a divorce. Some reasons are that it is expensive, 70% of those who do divorce regret it, those who stick together have better marriages, when a divorce happens usually the mother and child go into poverty while the father becomes distant, the child may feel that the divorce is their fault, and the child often repeats misbehavior.

A divorce can have a lot of negative effects and cause a lot of trauma in the life of a child. It can also leave the child with feelings of abandonment when a parent is no longer a big part of their life and they may feel that they aren't loved by that parent.

A study was done and 70% of divorce respondents said they could have saved their marriage and they deeply wish they would have. In that study out of those who stuck together within five years they were happy and 70% reported that their marital satisfaction was either happy or very happy. 62% of divorced women and their children are in poverty. It becomes important to really stop and think before we choose to act because there are so many negative effects including heartbreak.

Remarriage can be a difficult thing because as it is said you are not only marrying that person, you are marrying that person and their children. Remarriage can be something that brings happiness, but it can take a lot of effort to make it work. Sometimes it can be difficult because a parent may be not as willing to trust someone after their divorce. They may feel heartbroken and they don't want to risk feeling that way again in order to get to know someone.

It may take two years of being remarried to achieve a sense of normalcy. It is important that in the first few years of remarriage that the birth parent does all the heavy discipline. I'm sure we've all heard the phrase, "you're not my mother!" or "you're not my dad!". It can also be important to instead of being a disciplinary figure that the step parent in those first few years has more of a "cool aunt or uncle" kind of relationship with the child. It is important that they spend quality time with their step children doing activities where they can bond together and build trust and feelings of love in their relationship with the children. It is important to do activities or events that allow they to see that you love and care for them, and you are not there just to tell them everything they are doing wrong. Even though there are stories like Cinderella where the step mother was evil, not all step parents are unkind or cruel. A child may have a step parent that they come to consider their "real" parent.

It is important to go that extra mile and let them know that you care for them and that you will be there for them even during the struggles they face throughout their life. When we do this we can become a child's parent even if we aren't biologically related. We can have that loving and caring relationship that most people long for in life.

December 6th: Parenting and Children's Needs

This week we talked about parenting. President Thomas S. Monson said, “To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."  Dr. Michael Popkins talks about parenting. He says that when there is a problem we should ask who owns the problem, or in other words, who does it affect. When we a problem arises he says that we, as parents, should make a polite request. If the problem continues we should use an I-message. We use I-messages when we say: “When you _____, I feel ______ because ______. I would like ______. Do you understand?” If the problem persists then we can use a firm or strong message which really demonstrates our point. Then if you continue to have problems you can use logical consequences. Logical consequences are discipline that is logically connected to a misbehavior and applied by an authority to influence a child to behave within the limits of the situation. For example, a logical consequence could be if your child draws on the wall then their consequence could be to clean the wall. However when the problem is not too serious we can allow natural consequences. Natural consequences are the results that naturally occur as a result of a child’s behavior without the parent doing anything. He says, “Do not do for your children on a regular basis what they can do for themselves.” However, we shouldn't allow for natural consequences when: it is too dangerous, the consequences are too far in the future, and it affects others. We shouldn't react to a tough situation with threats; we need to have mutual respect with our children. When it comes to teaching, the most important teaching you will do will happen when you act and your children observe; it will not happen when you are lecturing them because what you do speaks louder than what you say.  We also talked about children’s needs. Children really need contact. It can provide a feeling of belonging. Contact is one of the biggest needs. Harlow did a study with monkeys. He gave the monkeys a wire mother that fed the monkey and a cloth mother that provides comfort and contact. The monkeys constantly chose the cloth mother over the wire mother that fed them. This demonstrates the need that children have for comfort.

Popkins says that we should offer contact freely and allow our children to contribute. When we let them contribute it adds to their feelings of belonging. It is important to have contact with our children whether it is a high five, a hug, a kiss, knuckles, etc. it has a huge impact on our children. Some research shows that children need 17 hugs a day. There is an article on it at http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/53608/kids-need-17-hugs-day. Even if we don't hug them seventeen times a day it is important that we offer contact freely as it is one of the most important needs in our children's development.

November 29th: Work and the Family

It is interesting to see how work has affected family life throughout the years. For centuries the family worked together until about the time of the industrial revolution in the 18th Century. When the industrial revolution began fathers began leaving their homes to work. This changed the entire family structure. The family had to try and cope with the father leaving the home to work. The father began working 12 hrs a day and 72 hrs a week. For some families it felt as though they lost their father because they were always working. Then the family structure continued to change as the older children left the family to work. The only family members that would be at home were the younger children and the mother. Then work was deemed to dangerous for children and they went to school instead. This is more of the structure we see now with fathers at work, older children at school, and the mother and younger children at home. Other changes we see know is that most fathers don't have to work as many hours during the day with an average maximum at 40 hrs a week. The real question that I think this sparks is: since we have more time on our hands with less work hours, why aren't we spending that time with out families? I would ask that we consider taking that time to have quality time with our families.

Here is a link to a video called, "By The Hour" that shows us how important quality time is to our families:

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-04-010-by-the-hour?lang=eng

I would hope this would inspire us to spend more of our time we have off work with our family.

November 22nd: Communication

This week in class we discussed the topic of communication. Dr. Stephen Covey wrote a book called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In his book one of the habits is: seek to understand, then to be understood. A lot of time we will listen to others with the intent to reply, but what we should really be doing is listening with the intent to understand. One of his sayings is "diagnose before you prescribe." Very often we will try and tell them what we think they should do based on our own experiences and opinions and we end up giving advise where it was not desired. Sometimes we just want to have someone listen, not to reply, but simply listen to us. Many times we will advise, probe them with questions, chose to agree or disagree, or explain their motives and behavior based on our own experiences. These are very ineffective ways to go about listening to others. Instead we should listen with empathy and seek to understand. Ralph Roughton once said, "When I ask you to listen and you start giving advise, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel like you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do, just hear me." A lot of the time what we want the most is not for someone to try and fix our situation, but instead just listen to us. There are many forms and parts of communication. One form of communication is verbal; it's all about the words we use. Even though words can be really important it is very often that what we do is even more important than the words we say. In Dr. Covey's book it has a chart that shows the importance of different parts and forms of communication. 55% is all about our facial expressions and body language. 38% is all about how we say words with our tone of voice and style. Lastly, 7% is all about the words we use. Even though we may think that what we say is most important, it's generally more important how we say it and how we communicate it. Often things can be miscommunicated.

 I think there are many ways for miscommunication to happen, but I think that the times where miscommunication happens the most is when we cannot see or hear the person. One big example of this is texting.

When we text someone we cannot hear the tone of voice they would have used and we cannot see their facial expressions so we may misinterpret what they are saying. Someone once said that texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what others mean. Here are two examples of miscommunication in texting:

We may often say things that can be taken in different ways. You can say the same thing, but depending on the way that you say it, it can mean totally different things. For example you could say, "I love you" to a friend and it would mean something, but if you said, "I love you" to your girlfriend/boyfriend it can mean something totally different. It would be so much better if we put down distractions and electronics and took the time to speak to each other face to face. It would show how much we care and it would diminish the amount of misunderstandings that happen when we speak with others. Harold B. Lee said that we should communicate so clearly that we cannot be misunderstood. When misunderstandings arise we should give others the benefit of the doubt, assume the best (within experience), be patient kind and generous, and treat others with compassion. My professor said, "understanding is like oxygen; it is highly valued and extremely needed." Many of us crave understanding, we desperately want to be understood. We should seek to understand others before we seek to be understood. We should spend time expressing love and appreciation towards others because not only does is it uplifting, but when misunderstandings and conflicts arise we already know that they love and appreciate us. It is better to prepare and prevent than trying to repair and repent. Compromises are a wonderful thing, but it is often better to discuss the situation until we come to a consensus. A consensus is when a group of people reach a general agreement rather than forming a compromise. When we make decisions we should invite everyone to share their thoughts and feelings. We shouldn't have conversations when we are angry because it doesn't help anyone. It only creates a division in between us. Instead we should choose to love one another and talk about it when we are no longer angry, but can talk with each other with feelings of care and support. When we love someone we should make a special time to talk with them face to face because it truly will show how much we care because we are going out of our way to talk with them in person rather than speaking through the phone or by text messaging. When we do this it will also diminish the amount of misunderstandings and strengthen our relationships. So I would hope that we would all take some time out of our day to speak with the people we love, and if we cannot speak face to face because of long distance I would hope that we would at least call them so that we can hear their voice and we can speak clearly and lovingly. Loving others is learning how to communicate what we really mean and truly feel towards others.

November 15th: Crisis

This week we talked about crisis. Our professor wrote on the board the Chinese form of crisis.

As you can see it is composed of multiple characters meaning danger and opportunity. I think that this is really significant because with a crisis there is often some sort of danger and some sort of opportunity to grow closer with those around us.

A few years ago my family under went a huge crisis. We have a beautiful little dog named Crystal. We often called her Crissy for short or 'fat dog' because she was well fed. We all loved her a lot even though not all of the family are dog people.

 During the summer we had decided to take a trip to Canada to visit my mother's side of the family. We weren't able to take her with us, so we left her with my father's parents. When we were driving back from Canada, our dog got out and tried to run back home. We were all distressed and in a state of panic. We were are all scared, worried, and concerned. Even my mother who is a cat person was dismayed because she realized that even though she said she doesn't like dogs she was like most of us, heartbroken. We were scared of the danger of losing her. We searched everywhere, let others know to look out for her, and posted lost dog papers around the areas we thought she might be. We had heard from some people that they thought they saw her in a certain area and had looked there a few times, but we still hadn't found her. It finally came down to Monday night and it had been ten days since she had gone missing. Any prospects that we had for finding her were dim and it seemed like she was gone forever. It was family home evening so we decided that this was the day. We were either going to find her or we weren't. So we knelt in family prayer. My little sister was very young at the time, but she began to say the prayer. As she spoke the Holy Ghost overwhelmed the room, and we knew that everything was going to be alright. Then we got in the van and headed over to the place where people had been saying they saw her. It was a big area of empty lots that were going to become a subdivision. However, the dirt still hadn't been smoothed out so it was a bit hilly and uneven. Earlier that day it had rained so now it was a bit muddy, but we spread out and we called, and called, and called for her. We had searched for a few hours when we felt like it was time to go; there was no hope left. Since it was muddy we had to scrape the mud off of our shoes before getting into the car. While we were scraping the mud off of our shoes, my dad shouted excitedly, "Crissy!" Naturally our dad was the joker of the house so we yelled at him and told him that it wasn't funny. However, our dad said, "No, it's really her!" We turned around to see Crissy standing there. However, we were no longer able to call her 'fat dog'. She looked incredibly skinny in so much that you could see her bones and her skin was sagging down. We were incredibly relieved to have her back and share the love again.

This is an example of a crisis that my family went through. Sometimes we consider crises to be a terrible thing that rips our relationships apart. However, they often provide a chance for our relationships to grow stronger and our bonds to be reinforced. As my family communicated together and conducted family counsels to solve the problem we were able to have stronger relationships and our bonds were reinforced. Every family will respond differently to crises. 

A lot of times when we are going through crises we will say that we are 'coping'. The question is what really it coping? Coping is many things, but I will use the woodworking form. In wood working coping is when you shape pieces of woodwork to fit together in a molding. They use a coping saw.

It is a saw that has a very narrow blade stretched across a U-shaped frame, used for cutting curves in wood. Much like the coping saw is used to shape and define woodwork often creating beautiful pieces, crises can shape and define us, helping us to be even more beautiful.

However, just like there is a good side to things there is often a bad. 

Bad sides of Crises:

• They can separate us
• There may often be little or no communication
• They can disconnect us
• They can lead us to doubt, shame, and blame
• They can cause distress
• They can cause self-blame and guilt
• They can cause people to complain

Good sides of Crises:

• They help us to support each other
• They can turn us toward our family
• They can help us to involve family members
• They can allow more frequent and more quality communication
• They can help us to empathize with others
• They can help us to express our emotions
• They can help us see that our problems don't last forever
• They can help us see that life is worth living
• They provide opportunities

I think that if we want to use our crises to become better we need to involve others and be involved ourselves. We need to communicate with others and allow them to communicate with us. I think that it can also be beneficial to counsel and 'cope' together. When we try and handle the situation separately it can separate and distance us causing strain on our relationship. 

I think it is also really important to realize that stress isn't always bad. Even thought there is such a thing as distress, there is also eustress (meaning good stress). Without stress we become weak. For example, astronauts often develop brittle bones and muscle atrophy. Since they are not having to use their muscles and bones to support them they become weak and they often deteriorate. Without the stress of gravity their bones and muscles become so weak that they often deteriorate or become very brittle. Stress is important, because without it we become weak. Yes, crisis cause stress and may be dangerous, but they provide opportunities to grow, learn, and become strengthened. Therefore, although we may wish we never have crises or issues that cause stress, they are really important because of the opportunity for greater strength they provide.

November 8th: Marital Relations and Sexual Intimacy

All lot of people say that it is good to have sexual relationships before marriage. However it reminds me of an experiment: 

Have a person drink half the glass of orange juice.  Tasty, isn't it? Now have the person rinse with some mouthwash.  Nice and fresh! Invite another person to rinse with mouthwash and then drink the orange juice. How does it taste now? Isn't it interesting that if we do this in the wrong order, something sweet can become bitter? Physical intimacy is no different – it is good and beautiful, and the timing in which it occurs is very important. 

When we wait until after marriage to have sex it is like drinking orange juice and then using mouthwash. When we have sexual relationships before marriage it is like using mouthwash then drinking orange juice. It can leave us with feelings of bitterness, regret, longing, loneliness, and emptiness.

Sometimes in relationships we get so focused on the physical aspects that we forget what is really important. When we touch someone we can get confused and begin to think that we know them when we really don't know them as well as we think we do. John Van Epp speaks about this with his relationship attachment model. 

He said that it is important to know the other person and that we should trust them less than we know them. We shouldn't rely on them more than we trust them and we shouldn't commit more than we rely on them. We also shouldn't touch them more than we are committed to them. The more we get to know the other person we can begin to trust, rely, commit, and touch them more. If we do this any other way we can become confused about the way we truly feel about that person. 

If you ever find yourself wondering what your relationship is really built on you take a step back from the physical intimacy and you will be able to more clearly see where the foundation of your relationship lies.

It is important to have a relationship that isn't built solely upon physical intimacy and attractiveness because as we age we may not appear as physically attractive and if that was the basis of the relationship then that relationship may begin to crumble and fall apart. We should love each other for who they are and not how they look.

Sex is like superglue; it can form strong attachments and when you try and break that bond it can leave you shattered and broken just like when you try and break something bound by superglue apart. When we have formed that physical relationship and attachment if we try and break it off it can leave us with some serious damage. As my professor said, "when you have had your lips on someone you can't just be homies anymore."

A lot of people choose to have a lot of sex and they still don't end up filling satisfied. I think this is because you can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need won't satisfy you. I think that a lot of times we see people having sexual relationships in movies and they seem to glorify it and when we don't have that amazing experience we think that something is wrong, but it may not be that way. As different genders we have different sexual response cycles so it may seem difficult because we don't always get sexually aroused at the same time. This doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It is normal for a male to experience sexual arousal long before a female may feel sexually aroused. The real key is to think about the other person. As my professor said, "the best love making happens when they think about each other and makes each other feel good." We need to be patient and kind towards our spouses and realize that we are different. However, these differences can help us to become more selfless. As we do this we can become as the scriptures say, "one flesh."

November 2nd - Same-gender Attraction: Are we really born that way?

When talking about same-gender attraction I have heard many people say the phrase, "I was born this way." I honestly question if this statement is true, and the answer that I have come up with is that it really isn't. I think that throughout a lifetime of being told that you are different or being labeled that you are gay or lesbian can lead a person to rewrite their history to be able to say, "I was born this way." Dr. Daryl J. Bem of Cornell University explains this theory wonderfully in an address given to the American Psychological Association (1997) called Exotic Becomes Erotic. It can be a combination that leads up to this feeling or a gradual process. The process is as follows:

1 - Biological Variables (Ex. genes or prenatal hormones)

2 - Childhood Temperaments (Ex. aggression or activity levels)

3 - Sex Typical/Atypical Activity and Playmate Preferences (Ex. gender conformity/non-conformity)

4 - Feeling Different from Opposite/Same-sex Peers (Ex. dissimilar, unfamiliar, or exotic)

5 - Nonspecific Autonomic Arousal to Opposite/Same-sex Peers

6 - Erotic/Romantic Attraction to Opposite/Same-sex Persons (Sexual Orientation)

I think a lot of it has to do with how we label and treat each other especially in earlier stages of life. When we see a child playing with things that are usually associated with the other gender most people begin to label the child as gay or lesbian. When we do this we allow the child to have a "Black Sheep" or "Odd Man Out" mentality. We say that they don't fit in with the other kids and they begin to think that something is different or wrong with them. This often leaves them with a desire to fit in and be accepted. However, now that we have labeled them oft times other kids will see them as an outcast or a 'black sheep' and they don't want to be associated with someone that doesn't fit in because they often fear that they will become a 'black sheep' too. When we label someone as something they will often have a hard time seeing themselves as anything else. For example there is the Disney story of Quasimodo. 

Quasimodo's adopted father, Judge Claude Frollo constantly is telling Quasimodo that he is an ugly monster and a reject. After all, Quasimodo means 'half-formed'. Quasimodo comes to accept what Frollo tells him as the truth. Even at the beginning of the movie Frollo describes Quasimodo as an 'unholy demon from hell'. However, Quasimodo later leaves his tower and learns what it is like to love and be loved. He goes through a lot of emotional pain and anguish, but at the end the people change from seeing him as a monster into seeing him as a hero. Labels can be seriously damaging. When we label someone as gay or lesbian they can feel like Quasimodo when he was labeled he felt that what he had been told was all he ever could be. When we label people they feel like they have to be that way and that they can't change no matter how much they wish that they could. A lot of times people who may be struggling haven't realized what Quasimodo learned. "It was all a big misunderstanding". When people see as Quasimodo came to see they can be set free and learn that they don't have to be that way. They can have the family they have always wanted. I think that people with same-sex attraction don't always realize that it is often a big misunderstanding. Yes, there may be same-sex couples that feel happy with their love lives, but it can often take a big toll on the family. Some research was conducted and they came up with these results:

Same-sex couples may not always realize how much their relationship can affect their children's lives. Even though Intact Biological Families still have problems they are significantly less those with Same-sex couples. Even though people may have same-sex attraction it seems that when a same-sex relationship is happening one of the spouses takes on a more masculine role and the other takes on a more feminine role. I think that it is interesting that when there are same-gender relationships they still try to imitate the heterosexual couples. In the end, I think that we are not born this way; we just have had different factors that lead us to assume the "gay or lesbian identity". I also think that even when we have assumed those identities we can still change and be able to have things we might not have been able to have, such as families.