December 13th: Divorce and Remarriage

This week we talked about Divorce and Remarriage. We learned about about the six stages of divorce. The first stage is emotional divorce. This refers to a loss of respect, commitment, trust, and affection. The second stage is legal divorce. This refers to when the court brings marriage to an end. The third stage is economic divorce. This refers to the division of property among the parents. The fourth stage is co-parental. This refers to the continued co-parent decisions about the child's life. The fifth stage is community divorce. This refers to rifts in community because friends have had to choose to be on the side of one parent or the other. The sixth stage is psychic. This refers to accepting the separation and regaining a sense of being an individual rather than being a couple.

 Right now a marriage contract is the easiest contract to get out of. Before the No Fault Divorce Act you had to prove that there was neglect/abuse, substance abuse, or adultery. When marital satisfaction is low many people feel like the only solution is divorce. However, there are many reasons not to get a divorce. Some reasons are that it is expensive, 70% of those who do divorce regret it, those who stick together have better marriages, when a divorce happens usually the mother and child go into poverty while the father becomes distant, the child may feel that the divorce is their fault, and the child often repeats misbehavior.

A divorce can have a lot of negative effects and cause a lot of trauma in the life of a child. It can also leave the child with feelings of abandonment when a parent is no longer a big part of their life and they may feel that they aren't loved by that parent.

A study was done and 70% of divorce respondents said they could have saved their marriage and they deeply wish they would have. In that study out of those who stuck together within five years they were happy and 70% reported that their marital satisfaction was either happy or very happy. 62% of divorced women and their children are in poverty. It becomes important to really stop and think before we choose to act because there are so many negative effects including heartbreak.

Remarriage can be a difficult thing because as it is said you are not only marrying that person, you are marrying that person and their children. Remarriage can be something that brings happiness, but it can take a lot of effort to make it work. Sometimes it can be difficult because a parent may be not as willing to trust someone after their divorce. They may feel heartbroken and they don't want to risk feeling that way again in order to get to know someone.

It may take two years of being remarried to achieve a sense of normalcy. It is important that in the first few years of remarriage that the birth parent does all the heavy discipline. I'm sure we've all heard the phrase, "you're not my mother!" or "you're not my dad!". It can also be important to instead of being a disciplinary figure that the step parent in those first few years has more of a "cool aunt or uncle" kind of relationship with the child. It is important that they spend quality time with their step children doing activities where they can bond together and build trust and feelings of love in their relationship with the children. It is important to do activities or events that allow they to see that you love and care for them, and you are not there just to tell them everything they are doing wrong. Even though there are stories like Cinderella where the step mother was evil, not all step parents are unkind or cruel. A child may have a step parent that they come to consider their "real" parent.

It is important to go that extra mile and let them know that you care for them and that you will be there for them even during the struggles they face throughout their life. When we do this we can become a child's parent even if we aren't biologically related. We can have that loving and caring relationship that most people long for in life.

December 6th: Parenting and Children's Needs

This week we talked about parenting. President Thomas S. Monson said, “To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."  Dr. Michael Popkins talks about parenting. He says that when there is a problem we should ask who owns the problem, or in other words, who does it affect. When we a problem arises he says that we, as parents, should make a polite request. If the problem continues we should use an I-message. We use I-messages when we say: “When you _____, I feel ______ because ______. I would like ______. Do you understand?” If the problem persists then we can use a firm or strong message which really demonstrates our point. Then if you continue to have problems you can use logical consequences. Logical consequences are discipline that is logically connected to a misbehavior and applied by an authority to influence a child to behave within the limits of the situation. For example, a logical consequence could be if your child draws on the wall then their consequence could be to clean the wall. However when the problem is not too serious we can allow natural consequences. Natural consequences are the results that naturally occur as a result of a child’s behavior without the parent doing anything. He says, “Do not do for your children on a regular basis what they can do for themselves.” However, we shouldn't allow for natural consequences when: it is too dangerous, the consequences are too far in the future, and it affects others. We shouldn't react to a tough situation with threats; we need to have mutual respect with our children. When it comes to teaching, the most important teaching you will do will happen when you act and your children observe; it will not happen when you are lecturing them because what you do speaks louder than what you say.  We also talked about children’s needs. Children really need contact. It can provide a feeling of belonging. Contact is one of the biggest needs. Harlow did a study with monkeys. He gave the monkeys a wire mother that fed the monkey and a cloth mother that provides comfort and contact. The monkeys constantly chose the cloth mother over the wire mother that fed them. This demonstrates the need that children have for comfort.

Popkins says that we should offer contact freely and allow our children to contribute. When we let them contribute it adds to their feelings of belonging. It is important to have contact with our children whether it is a high five, a hug, a kiss, knuckles, etc. it has a huge impact on our children. Some research shows that children need 17 hugs a day. There is an article on it at http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/53608/kids-need-17-hugs-day. Even if we don't hug them seventeen times a day it is important that we offer contact freely as it is one of the most important needs in our children's development.

October 25th

This week we talked about relationships and love. One thing that we talked about was how we seem to be attracted to people. Some of the factors were proximity/access, physical attraction, and similarities. We often find that we are attracted to people that can seem to be similar to some of our family members. Sometimes we seek those that are similar to our family because they are "familiar". Another thing we talked about was what seems like a new trend; it is called 'Date 'em 'till you hate 'em". A lot of people seem to be following a model where they hang out, then make out, and then drop out of the relationship. It is better to follow John Van Epp's model of attachment. We should know someone more than we trust them, we should trust them more than we rely on them, we should rely on them more than we commit, and we should commit more than we touch. It seems like lately we jump into touching and feel attached to someone without really knowing them. Touching can distort our perceptions. This can be dangerous because feelings can be hurt and it can teach you to drop out of relationships if things aren't going well instead of trying to make them work. It is said that you should never date exclusively until you are ready to get married. There are different types of love. The Greeks said that there were four types of love: storge, phillia, agape, and eros. Storge is the type of love between a parent and a child. Phillia is a friendly love for another. Agape is acting in someone's behalf even if you don't like them. Eros is the passionate and romantic love that many of us dream about and long for. I think that it is important in a marriage to have all of these types of love. We would want to have storge in that we would be willing to sacrifice for another just like a parent would for a child. We would also want to have phillia in that our spouse is our best friend and that we will always be there for them. We also want to have agape and be willing to serve our spouse even when we may be frustrated with them and to have that Christ-like love for them. We all want to have eros because we all seem to crave that passionate and romantic expression of love. When we have this combination our love life will become better, and possibly even best. However, it is important to remember that marriage isn't like a Cinderella story where there is one perfect person for us and that when we get married everything will be perfect. There are many wonderful people out there whom we could marry and have a good marriage. The important thing in marriage is to have two people who are really committed to their religion and each other. Also it is important to remember that being happy doesn't mean there will be no conflict. Also conflict doesn't always mean fighting it can simply mean a difference of opinion.